The Solid Snake Guide to Dating
by Chitin Titan
Summary: Snake offers Raiden a few pointers on his technique, or lack therof. Raiden reacts predictably. Lots of in-game references for those nit-pickers out there.



    THE SOLID SNAKE GUIDE TO DATING, now available on VHS!
    *********************************************************
    NOTE: Konami owns all rights to Metal Gear Solid 2. I do
    not stake claim on any of the names, characters, or
    events therein.
    *********************************************************
    Snake:Snake here. I'm here to show you guys how to meet women the
    right way. And to illustrate what NOT to do, I'll need a
    willing volunteer. Someone whose gross incompetence is
    overshadowed only by his inability to take direction...
    (Opens his front door)
    Raiden:Hey, Snake! How'd you know I was free this weekend?
    Snake:I took a chance and got lucky. Now, the first thing you need
    is to find a prospective female. Use the [SCOPE] to observe
    from a distance.
    * Raiden scans the street for approaching women. He is disturbingly
    adept at this.
    (Zooms in on a girl on the sidewalk who looks almost exactly like Rose)
    Raiden: Hey, I see one!
    Snake:Uh... all right. I guess this is the best we can hope for. The
    next step is to stealthily approach the woman and introduce
    yourself.
    Raiden:Gotcha, Snake.
    * Raiden presses himself against walls, peeks around corners, performs
    acrobatic moves, and in general, draws as much attentions to himself
    as possible. Eventually, he is standing next to her.
    (Crawling out from under a bench)
    Snake:Usually, a good first impression is based upon charisma
    and/or intelligence. But in your case, you should probably
    just put her into a CHOKEHOLD and drag her back to your place.
    * Raiden does this.
    Raiden: Oh no, I pressed SQUARE too many times. Now she's unconscious!
    (Steps out of the closet)
    Snake:Don't panic. Use the [COOLANT SPRAY] to revive her. But make
    sure you stand just outside her cone of vision when she wakes
    up so she doesn't see how utterly girly you look.
    
    (Speaking in his typical, annoying, high pitched voice)
    Raiden:I'm Raiden. You're my new girlfriend. We're going on a date.
    Right now.
    ???:Okay, I'm Rrrrrrrrrr..... Violet. It's a strange coincidence
    that I've been standing outside your apartment building for
    the last three weeks, huh?
    Raiden:Marry me.
    (Facing the viewer)
    Snake:Raiden is about to break one of the cardinal rules: Never let
    your date see your home before concealing all evidence of
    how you actually live.
    (Monitoring Snake's every word)
    Violet:Then shouldn't you tell him now?
    (Speaking in his typical, gravelly, "I know everything" voice)
    Snake:He never asked.
    Raiden:So, let me show you around. This is my bedroom...
    * She screams and points at the bed, which is covered with dozens of
    issues of FHM Magazine, which he refers to as his [BOOKS].
    Raiden:This is my bathroom...
    * She screams and points at his collection of multi-colored wigs.
    Raiden: And this is my living room.
    * She screams and points at the photographs on the wall which are
    signed as follows:
    "Take care of my child!"
    - Olga
    "You're... a man?"
    - President Johnson
    "Get away from me!"
    - Jeneffer
    "You're the best child-soldier a father could have."
    - Solidus
    Raiden: Okay, now THAT I can't explain.
    Snake:Now you'd better get changed for your date. What are you going
    to wear?
    Raiden:I thought I'd go with the [ORANGE WIG] and [BDU] combination.
    Or maybe Cardboard [BOX 5]. I've been told by many that it's
    "eye-catching."
    Snake:Shut up. You know you can't wear more than one item at the same
    time. Just equip the [BODY ARMOR]. And give me that box. I
    want it.
    * Snake disappears into the back room and performs unspeakable acts
    with [BOX 5]. He soon returns with a [WET BOX].
    (Professionally)
    Snake:Let's go.
    * They walk to the restaurant and are seated at a table.
    "Violet": So, Jack, do you like King Kong movies?
    (Obvlivious)
    Raiden:Oh man, these prices are steep. What should I order?
    (From beneath the table.)
    Snake:That's a good question, kid. And like with most things,
    it can be best answered by discussing the similarities between
    the KA-60 Kasatka and the KA-62, the civil model...
    Raiden: Arrrrrrggghhhh!
    (Hours later)
    Snake:And that's about it. But, getting back on topic.
    Are you carrying any [RATIONS]?
    Raiden:Of course.
    (Bantering mindlessly)
    Violet-wink-wink-nudge: You know, Jack, if we were home, I could be
    treating you to my notoriously bad cooking...
    Snake:By bringing your own [RATIONS] to the restaurant, you can save
    money and replenish your LIFE Gauge. And that's something you
    can both appreciate.
    Girl-who-may-or-may-not-be-Rose: Tell me, Jack, how do you feel about
     the overflow of digital information
     that defines our generation?
    * They eat [RATIONS] and packets of ketchup. The restaurant staff seems
    annoyed, but leave them alone. This could be due to the presence of
    a shadowy figure wearing a bandanna under the table.
    * After dinner, they go to the movie theater.
    Raiden:Oh no! My date is making me watch a chick movie. And I've
    seen this one - twice!
    (Crouching in the row behind him)
    Snake: Don't worry, it gets better after the first 90 minutes. And
    while you're pretending to watch the movie, you can enter
    "GROPING MODE" by pressing yourself against the armrest.
    Press the TRIANGLE lightly to cop a feel. Give it a try.
    * Raiden slams the TRIANGLE button down. An exclamation mark appears
    over his date's head.
    Raiden:Damn analog controller.
    Snake:Quick, run and hide in a locker! When you return, she'll have
    completely forgotten that you physically molested her. Really.
    * Raiden does this. His date indeed has a 7-second memory span. Also
    his popcorn seems to have regenerated.
    Raiden: Kick-ass!
    * After the movie, Raiden walks his date home. Predictably, he
    encounters an enemy.
    (Pointing a gun at Raiden)
    Out-of-work Gulukovich Soldier: FREEZE!
    Raiden:Oh crap, a holdup! Now I'll look like a sissy in front of my
    date.
    Oh-hell-it's-Rose-and-you-know-it: ...No comment.
    (Hiding in a nearby trashcan)
    Snake:Don't worry, as long as he doesn't point the gun at your head,
    you'll be fine.
    * The soldier points the gun at Raiden's crotch. His wallet falls out
    in a comical fashion.
    Snake: Oh yeah...
    * Raiden waits for the soldier to turn around, then breaks his neck.
    (Stepping over the corpse to embrace him)
    "Rose": Jack, you're so great! Tell me, how would you rate your
    killing prowess on a scale of 1 to 10?
    * They take a taxi home instead. Raiden's date pulls out a cell phone
    and begins reporting every detail of their date so far to a
    mysterious, vaguely sinister entity.
    (Missing the point completely)
    Raiden:Oh no! My date is talking on the phone instead of paying
    attention to me! This sabotages our thus-far engrossing
    conversation!
    (From the driver's seat, somehow)
    Snake:Well, if you were smart, which you're not, you would have shot
    out her cell phone from behind her right hip. But you can
    probably still jam the signal with a [CHAFF GRENADE].
    * Raiden spreads chaff all around the inside of the taxi cab. Everyone
    is blinded. Raiden seems pleased with himself.
    (At the front door)
    Raiden:Well, here we are.
    Rose:Yes. Thank you for walking me to my-
    (Interrupting)
    Snake's voice:How you end the date is arguably the most important
    factor in influencing the lady's perceptions. You can
    make up for hours of misery with a single act.
    (Confidently)
    Raiden: No sweat. I had complete VR training in THAT too.
    (Emerging from the bushes)
    Snake:I don't even want to know. Look, kid, just enter First-Person
    View Mode and press the ACTION Button ever-so lightly.
    * Raiden lays waste to the ACTION Button. He bangs his head against
    her. A kissing sound is heard, which is soon accompanied by a loud
    slap. Raiden's LIFE Gauge is cut in half, even with body armor.
    (In disbelief)
    Raiden: She is somehow impervious to my unwieldly charms and towering
    masculinity! How can this be?
    Snake: Diminished sense of reality, huh? VR will do that. You'll have
    to fight back. Otherwise, you'll "die" and have to CONTINUE
    from the restaurant section.
    Raiden: And have to suffer through your excessive dialogue again?
    Hell, I'd rather QUIT and play GTA3.
    Snake: Exactly. Now, even though you've been told this countless times
    before, I will reiterate: To throw a punch, press the PUNCH
    Button. Am I going to fast for you?
    * Raiden launches a PUNCH-PUNCH-KICK combo at Rose. Her STUN Gauge
    is reduced by about 1/16th. Her hair falls slightly out of place.
    (Gushing, even moreso that usual)
    Rose: Oh Jack, you're so brave to attack me, knowing full well that I
    could crush you in an instant. Would you like to come inside so
    I can quantitatively assess your performance in bed?
    Raiden:No, that's okay.
    Snake:YES YOU DO, DAMN IT! THAT WAS THE WHOLE FREAKING POINT!
    Raiden: Yes I do.
    * The happy couple walks inside. Snake turns toward the viewer.
    Snake: Well, as you can see, if Raiden can pull of a successful date,
    anyone can. Now, if you'll excuse me.
    * Snake dons a pair of [THERMAL GOGGLES]. He also equips the
    [DIRECTIONAL MICROPHONE] and points it at the window. Two brightly
    glowing outlines are lying next to each other.
    More-feminine-looking-outline: Wow, that was the best 2 1/2 minutes of
     my entire life. Which, based on the
     way I act, amounts to about 14 years.
    Rose-shaped-outline: Jack, put out that [CIGARETTE], I can see your
     LIFE Gauge draining.
    WHAT DOES SNAKE HAVE IN STORE NEXT?
    HOW ABOUT...
    THE SOLID SNAKE GUIDE TO ANGER MANAGEMENT?
    THE SOLID SNAKE GUIDE TO JOB INTERVIEWs?
    THE SOLID SNAKE GUIDE TO PARENTING?
    
    Note: Oddly enough, these would all involve Raiden bumbling around,
    making inane comments while Snake ridicules him. Go figure.
    


End file.
